my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
