my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We had sex on a dog bed..
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
