I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
