I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
