It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
