I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Drunk is not a location!
All the doctor said was why
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
