Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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