i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
