the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
