Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
