You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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