So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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