Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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