you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
