Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
