i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
