apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
