he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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