Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
