happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
