I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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