we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
