I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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