come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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