I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
