i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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