Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
