what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
