Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
