just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
