How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
