NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
