she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
