Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
