i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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