I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
