if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
