drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
