She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
