First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
