So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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