Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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