I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
