oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
