dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
