just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
