Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
