Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
