Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
