My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
